The Court
I was sitting on a
hard hunk of plastic that was the school chair, head turned towards the window,
looking out at something greater, that was at the time more important than what
was being taught in class.
If felt like I was
held captive, like a prisoner looking beyond bars, wishing to be free again.
And just like that I
was in such deep thought that I was completely unaware, that I was in class
anymore.
“Edd! Wake up”, my
teacher shouted.
I shot up from my
state of nonchalance and I was quite embarrassed, but I found my mind not
agreeing with me.
It wasn’t me feeling
the embarrassment, it was my head telling me it was a big deal.
But at the time, I
did not understand this feeling.
I woke up the next
day more tired than ever.
I was in my own world,
so much so I didn’t do my hair or wash my face.
I got on the bus and as
I walked in, I felt like everyone had their eyes on me, but they didn’t even
notice me, yet this feeling resonated in me for a while.
As I was sitting in
the bus, I kept stroking my hair to make sure it was ok.
I look outside and
again the feeling engulfs my thoughts, telling me that everyone outside the bus
was, well, judging me.
I tried to just shake
it off, but I ended up falling asleep on the bus.
I got off and tried
to keep my head down as I walked towards the school gates.
I was toying with my
thumb and I felt a twitch in my neck.
I found an urgency to
get out of the crowd of people. I could barely stand it.
As I walked into
class, I felt this instant relief, I was finally alone.
I was confused and
quite shocked. I didn’t understand these changes. I never was like this, but that was not the end.
I did what I had to
in school, but the feeling lingered and never let go.
I sat down on my
couch numb, home was where I could finally set myself free.
It was relief, it was
freedom.
Later that day, I
looked into a mirror, but what I usually saw was now different.
All I saw was a frail
nerd, with the body of a stick.
I was losing control,
but I kept telling myself it was okay and this is all going to work out at the
end, even though I knew I couldn’t fight it.
I couldn’t sleep that
one night, whatever I did that day, every moment was regretted.
It wasn’t any better
when I realized that I was awkward and nowhere close to how talkative I was.
My friends were
concerned, but in my mind they were putting up an act, they didn’t actually
like me, just pitied me. I was part of a puppet show and I was the puppet, at
least in my mind.
This went on for so
long that, my eyes started to look dull, sad, and not willing to look around
and embrace what was around me. For me, it didn’t matter.
My biggest concern
was that all in all, I’m not “me” anymore, I wanted life to be the same again.
I went back home not
realizing what had happened to me, and just accepted the fact that I would have
to deal with this pain and put on a mask to hide it, I finally gave in and
stopped the struggle.
I didn’t move on from
that day on.
And there I was, in
the middle of the night, with my hands wrapped around my knees, on the cold
floor.
My mind didn’t let me
move a muscle, my eyes were so sore and my body was trembling.
I looked into the
mirror, hating the reflection I saw.
My mind kept telling
me that I’m the only one responsible and no one else.
I couldn’t comprehend
what was happening, was it right or was it wrong.
At this point I gave
up any hopes of piecing together my brain.
But, I tried to think
about the great times I’ve had in my life, and how I’ve been of some help, even
that put a smile on my face.
My family really
cared about me and my friends too, and even though this didn’t solve my
problem. It made me feel the comfort I was looking for.
There was a sense of
courage and a feeling of freedom that resonated deep within, and I had managed
to find it, just a fragment of it, but either ways it helped.
I looked into the
mirror again and smiled.
I didn’t see the nerd
anymore, I saw Edd.
The judge was gone
and the defendant took his stance.
The court was at
ease…
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